New Year's Message

There are only so many faces. It's true. And after a while they start repeating themselves. I've been here for near on 40 years now and I think I've got most of them pegged. There's: sour-, arse-, pinch-, rat-, dog-, bunny-, melted-lard-, lump-, dried-cheese-, overripe-, ingrown-, badly-packed-, turtle-, potato-, melon-, and of course cocktail-sausage-face. That about covers the entirety of humanity. Everyone you've ever met, seen or are likely to ever see will have one of these faces. Forget race, creed and colour; this shit transcends that. It's pathetic really. That's the end of the miracle. Armed with that knowledge, there's no way any sane person could still believe in the creation or an omnipotent God. Incidentally, there's also a finite variety of vaginas evidently (thanks Internet).

This isn't all doom and gloom. The truth is that if you simply hang around long enough with your eyes open, you too can develop the power to categorise faces. Once you can read them all you're four-fifths of the way toward a coping strategy for life (I don't think reading vaginas is quite as useful a talent but what the hey).

No, once you know this, you can stop caring about all the whirring low voltage shit that goes on behind faces. Turtle-faced people and lump-faced people have the same problems. Just as there are limited human faces, there are even fewer human concerns. Essentially people are concerned that someone else has got more shit sorted out than them: more time, more love, more money, more sex... But the truth is everyone wants more (or at least wants to be sure that someone is getting less). Poor people think rich people are sitting around getting fucked and eating gilded potato waffles. Rich people think poor people are sitting around fucking (and breeding) and eating too many normal potato waffles. Dumb people think smart people are deliberately ruining their lives. Smart people think dumb people are deliberately ruining their lives. The unifying principle is that everyone is shuffling their little shifty eyes around their oily head sacks suspicious that everyone except them is out to fuck them. The exception to everyone is "family". A pathetic tenuous genetic strand of sticky organic matter that holds entirely disparate people together at times of government approved leisure time. That's right, I'm talking about Christmas! It's no surprise that while we're forced into this elaborate sentimental feast of consumerism and gluttony these fucking parasitic idiots have to be there. If they weren't around to disappoint, criticise and humiliate you, you might realise that our lives are so fucked we might as well lop each other’s stupid faces of with dull cleavers.

My Christmas was so fucking awful it’s put bad juju on the whole of 2011. And as for 2012, our Prime Minister David “Diddy” Cameron (combination or overripe- and melon-face) has told us that although we’re all gonna eat a continuous slurry of shit sandwich all year we should be happy that we have the Queen’s (ingrown-face) Diamond Jubilee and The Olympics to look forward to. Oh fucking yippee! I don’t mind fucking spending another 52 weeks in the dreamcrushing factory waiting for another shitty Christmas as long as I get to watch some fucking swimming and eat a cake because old German whore has lasted another year on the dole.

Happy new year!

Thanks to "The Kid" for making me feel like writing this, I did it on my phone on a train.